Never Am I

A supple leaf blows
Gently through the breeze
Unassuming and unaware
Past all the other trees

It dodges the grasping branches
Weaving brilliantly it glides
Beautifully it dips
Whimsically it rides

It does not assume
It does not conceive
It does not love
This leaf has no beliefs

Someday it will stop
Sometime it may fall
But for this moment
It soars over us all

I am so filled with this desire
I refuse to let it out
Holding strong on to pain
Having given in to all my doubts

Fond of playing this waiting game
My turn is up but I’m not there
I’m hiding down the trail
Focus lost but I don’t care

All I want is a hint
Just a scratch on the surface
To see what will come
To have a sense of purpose

This blank slate tells no tales
It also tells no lies
I find it comfortably predicatble
Still I yearn time to time

Can I glimpse this slate of yours?
Let me see in to your mind
I want to view your secrets
To know if you are my kind

I promise to put things back
Back to where they belong
The urge to ‘fix’ is great
But I know how to get along

I want to draw a portrait
The best you have ever seen
To share with you the beauty
That only comes in my dreams

I want to graffiti your walls
With lingering thoughts of me
To give a subtle hint
Of something we could be

Curled up in a ball, silent through the night
Chin resting on bent knees, hidden out of sight
I listened to the TV, wishing I was there
Staring at the closed door, I didn’t dare

Too frightened, too sad, too passive to call
5 years old, crying all alone, touching the wall
I never showed it, never gave any indication
That late at night I was dying for vindication

Through the crack in the door, I could see light
I could pretend I was there, within your sight
I wanted to stay there forever, never to sleep
Never to dream, among you I forever longed to be

I never fell asleep on those stairs, so you would never know
I didn’t want to burden you, or cause more pain to show
I saw the tears in your eyes, those tears were mine too
Those tears I cry still, but I always hide them from you

There is no clear path where I walk
No bright light guiding my way
My feet settle on unstable ground
With bitter winds the foundation sways

Cautious steps chosen by reckless eyes
A nervous pulse greets an excited mind
My palms are sweaty but my grip is firm
Heart closed off yet still it yearns

Where I tread, no one has ever been
What I face has no clear end
There is a beast of void under my breath
Taking my voice to higher depths

I shock into form but again I fade
A power surge hungry for higher gains
I am lost to a maze of endless resistance
A smile forms as I flee from existence

You clear my mind

Clear from all the should-haves
Clear from all the would-haves

There is just this, just us
And we may not be, entirely
But that’s alright
Because there is still something
Rather than just nothing

And for tonight, this is all I need.

My eyes trace, but there is more to witness
Beyond what light provides: further existence
No good nor bad, these are frozen in time
Short-sighted concepts for a short-sighted mind

I dare you to escape, I provoke you to let go
Release your will of all you think you know
Beyond the ambitions of simple greed and deceit
Lies a peace that can be experienced, but never foreseen

Standing on the precipice of that which we call good
I break away the chains of a former life of ‘shoulds’
There is only truth, that which is relative
One thing leads to another and neither is to be coveted

Looking over the edge, I feel wind’s gentle kiss
I step, I bound, into the deep abyss!
But I do not fear, I do not flee

You see?

There is no up; there is no down; there is only free.

I live, I love, I burn inside
I learn, I fail, I coincide
The devils and angels in my heart
Go by the same name
This life rends me apart
Tell me I do not struggle in vain!

Your hand I touch, taken in mine
Our desires expressed in pantomime
The cold chill of the world has gone astray
The fire burns, it perpetually animates
Out of the shadows candid light prevails
Out of our sorrows passion spreads its sails

From this moment I can no longer express
Mere words cannot describe my loss of duress
My actions will never match your brilliant glow
But to the end of the earth, for you, I will go
My will is yours, take it and be oh so gentle
For my heart you hold, today and forever

Self-assigned isolation
Prescribed to better oneself
My time I hoard with greedy precision
Batting away all who would approach

My heart beats on despite my will
Supplicate for knowledge that burns me still
From the flames of anguish I emerge anew
Weary and beaten with a blackened hue

Run away my love. Flee from me forever
Run to find your life’s hidden treasures
I have nothing old, nothing new to give
Just another daily dose of hopelessness.

I feign a smile and avert my eyes
Hopefully awaiting a pleasent surprise.
It isn’t there, never is.
Serves me right for my selfishness.

I just wait for that word, that sign, that hint
That perfect something, to revel in it
My heart beats, hear it roar!
So ready to take flight, waiting to soar

Wait…
I…
Can’t wait
I will strive
Give in to the tide
I must find a way to survive
To solidify
Until I find
My love
you…
You.